Apparently, by not having an open
opinion on something personal and familial going on in my life currently, I'm wrong. Apparently, getting sick to my fucking stomach when I hear usernames and subject lines being read out, out loud, makes me wrong. Being human, right now, is what's making my wrong in my mothers eyes.
You see, in early December, my life exploded. And that was to put it nicely. My entire world exploded, and then I was dragged back and forth with the begs and pleads to return to the house where nothing good has never happened to me. Eventually, obviously, I did return. But not without doubts and qualms about I'd have to enure some bullshit torture because my mother needs someone on her
side. But there are no sides I wish to take. I just want to be the neutral party that doesn't want to be there but is because I'm their child.
Saying I don't want anything to do with their problem makes me wrong
. Saying I have nothing to say, makes me wrong
. Saying, I don't want to hear it or get it rubbed in my face constantly, makes me fucking wrong
But what I can't seem to get though her teeny, tiny brain is the fact that I have nothing to do with what happened. I have no say over what SHE found. None what's so ever. Sure, I've been getting treated pretty badly, and frankly, I can live with it. I can live with being tossed into the shadow's like I'm not important because that's how the last eight years of my life have been like. I am the silent voice no one has ever heard in this house. Nothing about how I feel has ever mattered. It's coming down to "Whose side are you on?
" and I cannot deal with that.
I am on no ones side but my own. I am looking out for myself because apparently I'm picking the wrong person to be on the side of because I don't see a point in opening my mouth to say how I feel or felt. I'm wrong because my mother sees me as picking the other person, betraying her and "being okay with everything" when I'm obviously not.
And I will repeat myself, I want not part of it. It is between them, and I have NOTHING to do with it. I've accepted what happened around me, but I don't need constant reminders that are shaking me to the core and slowly making me shut down because I can't handle it anymore. I am no sides. I am fighting for myself while trying to be dragged under by a bitter woman. All because I'm trying to save myself. Because I don't want to be part of something that's already wounded me severely. And I'm always wrong.
I'm always wrong.