It's been a long while since I've updated my journal. Mostly because I've had no idea what to say or write. These last few years of my life have been so crazy, and hectic, whatever I did write here never seemed to matter or didn't sound as stupid as they do now. Looking back as I emptied my dA of personal pictures this morning, it's about 7am as I type this, I realize so much time has passed since I started posting random pictures of myself, my friends, family, or random shit from travels that no one really seemed to care about.
Between here and Gaiaonline, I have been haunting the internet for 8 years. 8 long, crazy, drama filled, heartbreaking years. And I use to be a dumbass and post pictures of my boyfriends on here. But you know what, not anymore. Not unless I know I'm going to be with whoever for the rest of my life.
Sitting here, looking at all these pictures, I've started to notice I was so stupid and young. Just looking at the comments I wrote, or replies to people. God, I really want to go and kick my own ass. I think I always will. But you know, to be older and wiser as I am now, I had to be young and stupid. And I was pretty young and stupid just about... 4 years ago? I mean shit, I use to get in so much trouble for talking to people online. I still sort of do, but now that I'm older, I know the difference between trolls and somewhat real people. And I've made some real, long lasting friends, lost some friends and moved on.
These last 3 going on three months now have been the worst and the best of my life. And for that, I'm still moving forward and going on with my life. I might not be 100% an adult yet, but you know, I'm half way there and that's good enough. I still enjoy stupid kid stuff, like Monster High or Hello Kitty. I love anime and manga still. I read books like House of Night or the Hunger Games or the Mortal Instruments to the point I think I need a book intervention. I listen to loud, angry rock music or boyband pop like the Backstreet Boys. It's who I am, and you know what, I'm fucking proud of that.
Oh, and yes, I do still play with dolls. With my niece. But you know, she's at that stage where she'll deny everything in public, yet admit to it in her bedroom when we gossip like girls. I also happen to be a literate to advanced literate roleplayer on gaiaonline. I happily admit it. To me, roleplaying online is like telling a story from different points of view and they all come together in once place, well, one thread. And I don't mean the dorky people who dress up and roleplay, I mean typing out posts with layouts that show off your character. That type of thing. And I enjoy it. It's helping me refine my skills as a future writer.
And you know what? I'm a little hard to handle. I'm honest to a fault and very stubborn. I'm moody, cynical, bitchy and I have a bad temper. I'm prone to being easily angered for random reasons. I'll even fight with my own mother if the sky is blue or not. I'm also very self conscious to the point of getting so worked up I get physically sick. And I'm prone to bouts of depression so bad I'm viscous when you try to comfort me. I should also mention I'm prone to holding deep grudges if you hurt me. Really bad habit. And I'm also an intense worry wart when it comes to my friends and family. An annoying trait, but you eventually learn to love it. Or not. Whichever floats your boat.
Oh! And I also have a extremely bad habit of getting distracted easily, losing track of a conversation or changing the topic out of nowhere. In short, I'm random. Family trait, I have proof. Though, I can be stubborn and insist on staying on a subject that one one else wants to be on. Kind of annoying really.
I'm also a bit obsessive, clingy and a bit controlling. And I have some OCD issues. Though, I've noticed I'm like that in relationships, friends or otherwise, with people who are known to be extreme in doing things they know will hurt themselves. And I'm a real hardass too. Though, my friends also say I'm a total badass and a total sweetheart when I want to be. I don't see it. All I see is a bitchy, plump, no life bitch who sits behind her computer and bitches and roleplays all day. But it is who I am. And if no one can handle that, well, please and kindly, go fuck yourself.
So... There you have it. A kind of pointless rant about nothing special. And me... well, being me.
And as time as gone on, I've found people seem to have a problem with me. Just because I'm opinionated and I'm honest, to a point. If I really care about someone, I'll be nice about it, but cross me, and well... I become an uber bitch. Nothing I can really do there. But I hate being blamed for being me. If you can't handle what I'm saying or doing, the please, have the fucking balls to tell me to my face. Don't pussyfoot around and then I find out the truth later. It's not fucking fair to me and I hate when this happens. Be straight, be honest and if you don't like it, suck my invisible dick because I don't care. I want the truth, even if it hurts.
I think... No, I know I've covered all my bases. This is me, and if you don't like it, then leave. If you want to give it a try, come forward and talk to me. I don't bite, at first.
Listening to: My shuffled playlist
Reading: Mortal Instruments
Watching: Batman: The Animates Series
Eating: Mac n' Cheese
Drinking: Dr Pepper